NO711 performed the skit again at the Tompkins Square Memorial Riot Concert today and again got requests to post the script, so here it is in all its glory:
[the unexpurgated version]
by Sugar Di Abetes with Tess LaCardboard
"Local" a Bodega owner;
"Lady from Texas" 7-Eleven spokesperson Margaret Chabris;
Local: You own this 7-Eleven?
Lady from Texas: [Heavy out-of-town accent, very polite] Why no, sir, I am the corporate spokesperson for 7-Eleven.
Local: Oh yeah? Where you from, lady?
Lady: I'm from the Great State of Texas, thank you. Visiting here to check up on one of our target locations.
Local: "Target locations." Look, I own this bodega right here next door -- no not over there, RIGHT HERE NEXT DOOR. What the fuck?
Lady: Well, our corporate headquarters -- in the great state of Texas -- feels that your neighborhood is underserved.
Local: Underserved. I serve them right here. I already gotta compete with the deli down the block and the bagels store across the street and the yuppie cafe on the corner. And the yuppie cafe on the other corner. Yeah, and the yuppie cafe on that corner too. No the other corner over there is a pet store. They don't compete with me -- they serve coffee only to cats and dogs.
Lady: Well sir, [a little testy in her genteel Texas manner] the corporate strategy of the great state of Texas is to target your lovely neighborhood.
Local: Do you have a clue where you are?
Lady: Well it says here on our corporate app-map app that this is the [pronouncing firmly stressing each word with a nod] "East Village." Now that does sound charming doesn't it? Is there a North Village? I'd love to visit there while I'm here, you know. Love to see your charming and beautiful city.
Local: "East Village" [annoyed now]. Lady, this is no "village." This is Loisaida. Alphabet City.
Lady: Loisiada... Now I don't see that in our map app. I mean app map.
Local: [Disgusted] APP MAP APP. [Restraining himself, nicely] Look, you seem like a nice lady. You have a nice app map app. You wear some fancy ropa and I can see you gotta lotta dough. You speak very nice. [Lets loose waving his arms wide] Why the fuck are you trying to drive me out of business?
Lady: Well, [cautiously] sir, [sweetly] you might could convert to a 7-11.
Local: A 7-11. Right next door to a 7-11? What the fuck sense does that make?
Lady: [Explaining as if it makes perfect sense] Well, that's all part of our target strategy, sir. If there's a [consulting her iphone and pronouncing carefully] bo-dee-ga nearby, then there'd be competition. We can't have competition, you know. We won't succeed with competition. Oh no, no, no. Competition, oh competition's very bad. No, no, no. That wouldn't make our corporate headquarters in the great state of Texas very happy. And you know we mustn't make them unhappy in Texas.
Local: Jeez. Why the fuck should I fucking care about...
Customer: Mahmud! Washappenin? How you been brother? What's this?
Local: It's the new store. Believe it?
Customer: [To Chabris] This your new store?
Lady: Yes, sir, young man.
Customer: [Pause, looking up and down judiciously, then finally] Your store is fuckin ugly. My advice: turn the fucking lights down. [Walks into the bodega.]
Lady: Oh dear.
Local: So how is my store going to survive if I convert it to a 7-11?
Lady: Well our corporate head quarters in the [both say it together] great state of Texas will subsidize your store until aaaaaallllllll the competition is dead.
Local: And then?
Lady: Well then you know....
Local: You know what?
Lady: Well it's like Starbucks, you know...
Local: Like Starbucks what? We're gonna serve yuppie coffee all day?
Lady: Well you know Starbucks opened oh so many-many stores in their corporate-headquarters-
capital-finance-growth-and- investor-service-strategy- consumer-demographic-catch- area, cornered the market and then of course...
Local: Of course what?
Lady: You know...closed the excess.
Local: The excess. That's me.
Lady: We close your store.
Local: That's your strategy.
Lady: From the great state of Texas!
Local: [mutters to himself] (Fuckin outta towners.) How about you wanna buy a bridge, lady...
Lady: Oh, like the Brooklyn Bridge? We bought that and we're very happy about it. Oh yes very happy. Such a pretty bridge. We're planning to put our logo there, so pretty.
Local: [Wipes his hand over his face in exasperation, leaving.] Holy Jesus Mother of God!
Lady: [Plays with her app map app. Occasionally glancing over the audience to her pretty bridge.] Such a pretty bridge, and such a lovely neighborhood. And won’t 711 be a welcome neighborhood friend...?